When my eyes opened to the first rays of sunlight illuminating the new year, I did what I’ve done every morning for as long as I can remember.
With my vision still blurred from sleep, I reached out from the warmth of the covers and felt around my bedside table for the cool touch of my phone. I silenced my alarm, and without a thought, my thumb hovered over my social media app of choice.
I’ve grown accustomed to this morning ritual — a quick brew of dopamine. Five minutes scrolling Instagram, a shot of other people’s curated realities poured over ice — a concoction that leaves me feeling cold to my own life.
This morning, however, with the naive excitement that only a new year can bring, I decided to forego my usual cup of comparison and delete the app.
I’ve always had a complicated relationship with social media and the platforms vying for our dwindling attention. This past year, though, something shifted. What once felt like a welcomed distraction during mundane moments—waiting in line at the grocery store, between appointments—began encroaching on experiences I didn’t want to distract myself from.
I’d find myself starting seeds, only to feel a wave of discomfort wash over me. My dirt-covered hands would reach for my phone, seeking a salve for an unnamed ache. I’d be mid-pottery throw, and the same feeling would invade, casting clay slip onto my screen as I scrolled for a few minutes before resuming.
Free time that could have been spent nurturing my creativity, educating myself on the lengthy list of subjects that I find fascinating, or just truly resting, was freely given away to a past time that left me feeling empty rather than fulfilled.
I started to rush through my own life to watch others live theirs as if my own miraculous and mundane moments were mere commercial breaks keeping me from the true entertainment of the endless scroll.
As I reflect on 2024, I feel a deep sense of joy and pride for all the blessings and accomplishments the year brought. But if I’m honest, I don’t feel as though I was fully there for any of it. I gave hours of my attention to content I can’t even remember. I blunted my emotions with incessant stimuli. I thought more about a world of make-believe than my reality.
So, as we set off into a new year, I am embarking on a new pursuit: the pursuit of presence. I want to become reacquainted with the wonder I once lived in. I want to confront the discomfort that comes with falling short and sit with it without distraction. I want to look back on this year and feel as though I truly lived it.
For now, my first step is a simple one: stepping away from social media for the month of January. I’ll admit—I’m both excited and (not proudly) nervous about what will fill the moments that used to be marked by mindless distractions.
I know some of these reclaimed moments will be joyful—time spent with friends and family, creating art, or reading poetry. Other times, I know discomfort will creep in, and my mind will yearn for the comfortable numbness of a doom-scrolling session. But I’m ready to embrace it all—the joyful and the uncomfortable—to reclaim the life I’ve given away.
We all struggle with our mental battles. This is one of mine. If it’s one of yours too, I invite you to join me in this journey. There is a beautiful, bountiful life waiting for us. Let’s go truly live it.
Love,
Leila
